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Salesman: "Why do girls like you always have a boyfriend?"
Susan: "Because I have acute nymphomania and my own brewery."
Series 2, Episode 3 (Her Best Friend's Bottom)
Submitted by Gilad Halpern
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Sally calls on Patrick to help ending her date gone bad by declaring "Code Red". Patrick follows
her date into the bathroom and stands next to him at the urinal with his tripod exposed and casually
admits, "I guess I just wasn't man enough for her."
Series 2, Episode 4 (The Melty Man Cometh)
Submitted Kristi Long
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"You know what the sentence of death is, don't you? I don't mean the sentence of death like in executions
and stuff, I mean the scary one. Just five words...five little words: 'Where is this relationship going?'"
Series 2, Episode 6 (Gotcha)
Submitted TeleTran1
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Referred to as "the old classic," this is when a woman closes off all avenues of escape and leaves a
man with only two options:
1. have sex with her
2. tell her she's unattractive
Series 3, Episode 3 (Unconditional Sex)
Submitted by Brittany Frederick
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Steve describes the four pillars of the male heterosexuality psyche over dinner.
"We like (1) naked women, (2) stockings, (3) lesbians, and (4) Sean Connery best as James Bond
because that is what being a boy is and if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective.
"Series 1, Episode 4 (Inferno)
Submitted by Stephen
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"You are surrounded by people for a moment of silence when the Giggle Loop begins... "Suddenly out of nowhere
this thought comes into your head: the worst thing I could possibly do during a minute's silence is laugh.
And as soon as you think that you almost do laugh -- automatic reaction. But you don't, you control yourself,
you're fine. Whew."
"But then you think how terrible it would have been if you laughed out loud in the middle of a minutes
silence. And so you nearly do again, only this time it's a bigger laugh. And then you think how awful
this bigger laugh would have been. And so you nearly laugh again, only this time it's a very big laugh,
it is an enormous laugh. Let this bastard out, and you get whiplash. And suddenly you are in the middle
of this completely silent room and your shoulders are going like you are drilling the road. And what do
you think of this situation? Oh dear Christ, you think it's funny!"
Series 1, Episode 3 (Sex, Death and Nudity)
Submitted LeAnna
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"Having a girlfriend, is like ...legalized sex."
Submitted Andrew
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"I need breasts with brains. I don't mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each.
You know, I like intelligent women, but you've got to draw the line somewhere... I think breast brains
would be over-egging the woman pudding."
Series 1, Episode 5 (The Girl with Two Breasts)
Submitted Jeroen
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Patrick gets a new, fashionable haircut, but now everyone thinks he is gay.
Steve: "What, specifically, did you tell your hairdresser."
Patrick: "I said I wanted a hard man."
Series 1, Episode 4 (Inferno)
Submitted Kim
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"Wouldn't that be great, being a lesbian? You'd have all the advantages of being a man, but with less
embarrassing genitals. Plus every time you have sex, there's four breasts: two guest breasts and two you
can take home afterwards."
Series 1, Episode 4 (Inferno)
Submitted by Laurens
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"I like films with lesbians in them cause it's nice to think there are attractive women out there who
can't find a boyfriend."
Series 1, Episode 4 (Inferno)
Submitted by Diane
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"If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals."
Series 2, Episode 2 (My Dinner in Hell)
Submitted Meg
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"The first step along the path to the forest of woman...the first sign post along the road to intimate
squelching."
Series 2, Episode 8 (Naked)
Submitted C. Turpin
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Jeff: "When you first see an attractive woman, you've got a nudity buffer of maybe,
5 minutes before you've fully worked out what she looks like naked."
Patrick: "A whole 5?"
Jeff: "Well, you've got to assess her nipple type, that takes time."
Patrick: "Good point."
Series 1, Episode 5 (The Girl With Two Breasts)
Submitted Rhodri Jenkins
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Jeff's foreplay advice to Steve:
"When exactly do you take your socks off? My advice is to get them off right after your shoes, and before
your trousers. That's the sock gap. Miss it, and suddenly you are a naked man in socks. No self-respecting
woman would ever let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her."
Series 1, Episode 2 (Size Matters)
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What is a swallow worth in a relationship? Susan and Steve know what it isn't.
Susan on Patrick: "One swallow doesn't make a summer."
Steve on Jane: "One swallow does not make her my girlfriend."
Series 1, Episode 1 (Flushed)
Submitted by Gregg
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1. Darling, I'd love to try a threesome.
2. Darling, one day I'd consider a threesome.
3. Darling, I'm pregnant, there's your threesome!
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1. You're never gonna be famous.
2. You're fatter than you think.
3. And most important than all, they don't keep wearing stockings.
Series 2, Episode 9 (End of the Line)
Submitted MA Thurman and Eric S.
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"You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know, you know that somewhere
in that room, shifting all the time, there is the V.A.A.: the Visual Access Angle. A clear line of sight
back to base camp."
Submitted by Litlwelshboy
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