(Photo: BBC America) 
The Doctor’s trusty sonic is never far from grasp, and with good reason. Despite key limitations — it won’t work on wood, it’s not a weapon — the sonic can be put to a variety of uses in a tight spot, from triggering explosions to sending out distress signals to, well, unscrewing things.
But, given that it has changed in appearance so much over the past 60-odd years, which is empirically the best sonic for all seasons? It’s time we found out.
To help measure up, we’ve weighed up the practicality of the device, the sleekness of its styling, the variety of uses to which the Doctor can put it, and the most important factor of all — how it makes a jacket hang when safely tucked away (a factor we have named ‘pocketability’). Add all the results up, and we’ve got a chart countdown.  
Here’s a supercut of all the sonics down the years, so you know what we’re talking about:

Note: For the sake of sanity we’re discounting all the sonic devices that are not a screwdriver — the sonic cane in “Let’s Kill Hitler,” Amy Pond’s sonic probe in “The Girl Who Waited” and the laser screwdriver the Master attacks the Doctor with in “The Sound of Drums” — even if they feel similar.
10. The Eighth/War Doctor’s Sonic

It glows red like anger. It does not have moving parts that distract the hands and it absolutely is not to be waved in the faces of potential foes because, as we all know, sonic screwdrivers are, “scientific instruments, not water pistols”. Eight’s sonic — also seen in the hands of the War Doctor — is like a medical probe. He does use it for the sorts of things his forebears have used it for, but it’s not gussied up with too much in the way of moving parts, switches, flicky bits or extensions.
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 1/5
Variety of use: 3/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 12/20
9. The Second Doctor’s Sonic

The ur-sonic, if you will. This device was only ever intended to be a screwdriver. It opened a hatch in a pipe and sat very discreetly in the Second Doctor’s pocket, waiting to be unearthed in times of severe unscrewing need. It was about the size of a decent ink pen, with a bulbous end for better grip, and its glowing bulb was neither ostentatious nor feeble. If you want a device that looks like it rotates screws, sonically, this is your best bet.
Practicality: 5/5
Glam: 2/5
Variety of use: 1/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 12/20
8. The Twelfth Doctor’s Sonic

One important thing to note about Twelve is that he is the exact inverse of Eleven. Eleven is an old man in a young man’s body, Twelve is a teenager in the body of a university professor. He plays the electric guitar. He has sonic shades. He had a go in Davros’s Dalek wheelchair. And, accordingly, his sonic is lit up like a Christmas tree in case he gets bored with just pointing it at stuff and turning the light on and off. Even the way the TARDIS delivered it to him looks like the kind mock-heroic, teen Excalibur moment that definitely appeals to the young at heart.
Practicality: 2/5
Glam: 5/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 2/5
Sonic total: 13/20
7. Romana’s Sonic

This sleek model emerged at a time when the iconography of the Fourth Doctor consisted of a long scarf, a bag of jelly babies in the pocket and yes, an ever-present sonic. Romana, his Time Lord companion, would make her version, which resembled one of those cameras they put up your nose at the hospital. It’s close to the Second Doctor’s original brief, but less bulky. Maybe it’s designed to work best with really tiny sonic screws.
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 4/5
Variety of use: 1/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 13/20
6. The Third Doctor’s Sonic

Like everything else concerning this dapper Time Lord, the Third Doctor’s sonic took the Second Doctor’s original and made it flashy. He introduced a yellow bit, with a spiral stripe, and a movable section that gave it greater powers than that of a mere handyman’s tool. And instead of pointing it at stuff — like the wands in Harry Potter, or like an actual screwdriver — he would now hold it up, like he was taking a photo with it. It’s all about the pose. After all, what’s the use of saving the universe if you can’t look stylish doing it?
Practicality: 3/5
Glam: 5/5
Variety of use: 3/5
Pocketability: 3/5
Sonic total: 14/20
5. River Song’s Sonic

Granted, some of the appeal of this particular device lies in the fact that the Doctor added some of the functionality he would need in order to keep River Song alive (see “Silence in the Library” for details). That’s not standard with this particular item. And also, River’s sonic picks up a couple of appreciation points because it’s not a device that she would find particularly useful, as she is clearly more of a guns and punching kind of person. Mind you, the trigger-style finger guard is kind of cool. Maybe she could use it as a sonic knuckle-duster?
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 3/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 3/5
Sonic total: 14/20
4. The Thirteenth Doctor’s Sonic
It’s made of spoons, y’know. And unlike certain other models, the design of Thirteen’s yellow sonic doesn’t seem to involve sharp corners or pointy bits that will definitely dig into the skin should anyone carrying it have to suddenly have to flatten themselves on the floor. It also has that tapered end that resembles a Zarbi’s bum, which is undoubtedly a coincidence but not an unpleasing one.
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 3/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 15/20
3. The Eleventh Doctor’s Sonic

Eleven’s sonic is about swagger. It’s got the most bulbous end of any model, it’s practically a robot club. He clearly relishes waving it about in the face of any strange occurrence, and must’ve souped up the basic software so he can put it to all manner of uses, including a scanner and transmitter (and presumably a photocopier and toaster too). The point is, Nine and Ten’s sonic did the same stuff, but didn’t have to look quite so ostentatious about doing it. And their sonic wouldn’t break a rib if you fell over a rock and landed on the pocket containing it.
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 5/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 2/5
Sonic total: 15/20
2. The Fourth Doctor’s Sonic

In much the same way that Four is the classic Doctor for a certain breed/age of fan. His chosen tool is also the benchmark for their idea of what a sonic should be. It’s got the same upright quality as the Third Doctor’s but replaces the eye-catching yellow shaft with stainless steel, and adds a red hat on top. This is a vaguely medical-looking device that looks like it belong to someone who calls himself the Doctor. In a way, it’s a shame there has been so much focus on whether the sonic may or may not work on wood, because really, what we all want to know is whether it could work on tonsils. 
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 3/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 15/20
1. The Ninth/Tenth Doctor’s Sonic

Edging ahead of the pack is the sonic that sits well in a pocket, should be pointed at stuff, has a nice glowing blue bulb at the end and, for extra excitement, can be elongated if the screw you need access to is a tiny bit further away than your arms can reach. Nine and Ten’s sonic has the medical quality of Four’s, the magic wand quality of Eleven and Twelve’s and has nicely rounded edges, like Thirteen’s. Plus blue is the Doctor’s color: like TARDIS, like screwdriver, as any fool knows.
Practicality: 4/5
Glam: 4/5
Variety of use: 4/5
Pocketability: 4/5
Sonic total: 16/20

What would you do with a sonic screwdriver if you had one? Please share in the comments!